David Parkin on a brewing problem and giving the hump to rugby fans
WATCH out, watch out - there’s a Humphrey about.
Do you remember that tagline from TV adverts for milk in the 1970s?
I didn’t think you would.
It was used by dairy Unigate to promote its doorstep deliveries of bottled milk.
A “Humphrey” was a mysterious figure that kept drinking people’s milk through long striped straws.
And there was more than one of them.
If you think this is a ridiculous proposition then I’d agree.
But Unigate thought it good enough to draft in TV stars like Sid James, Spike Milligan, Barbara Windsor, Frank Muir, Arthur Mullard and Rod Hull and Emu to front its adverts and discover their milk had been slurped by the “Humphreys” - with the theme tune composed and sung by The Wombles singer Mike Batt.
And the milk producer must have been confident with the concept, because ‘The Greatest’, world heavyweight boxing champ, Muhammad Ali, even starred in one of the commercials.
Take a look below:
Why am I mentioning this?
Well, I read a news story the other day that made me think: “What out - there’s a Humphrey about”.
But in this case not a milk snatcher but an eccentric Yorkshire brewery boss.
I’ve written before about Humphrey Smith, the owner of the historic Samuel Smith’s brewery in Tadcaster.
He’s not so much a man who divides opinion: he draws a line and there tends to be him on one side of it and most people on the other.
A Facebook page was set up to highlight the negatives about his brewery, while an unofficial blog set up for staff and customers has had thousands of posts – not many of them trumpeting any positives.
In 2012 a story emerged claiming that Humphrey Smith had closed the Junction Inn in Royton near Oldham on New Year’s Eve 2011, because the landlords were dispensing too much beer in their pints.
It was claimed that he subsequently issued a retrospective surcharge of £10,733 for lost stock over a 12-year period.
And he even took on the residents of the very town in which his business is based.
Some of the most memorable images of the floods which hit Yorkshire over Christmas and the New Year in 2016 were those which captured the collapse of 300-year-old Tadcaster Bridge which spans the River Wharfe in the centre of the town which is home to two breweries – Sam Smith’s and John Smith’s.
It left locals having to make a six-mile detour to get to the other side.
North Yorkshire County Council proposed a temporary bridge while it repaired the old stone bridge but that was on land owned by the Samuel Smith’s Brewery and Mr Smith refused to give it his blessing, saying the £300,000 cost of the temporary bridge doesn’t represent a good use of public funds.
Are you getting the idea about Humphrey?
The stories are legion about him banning slot machines, TVs, music, swearing and the use of mobile phones and lap tops from his estate of 200 pubs - which only serve Sam Smith’s produced beer and other drinks.
And now one of his pubs in Derbyshire has closed suddenly, with a handwritten note placed on the door explaining that Humphrey Smith was unhappy about photos of it being shared on social media.
The Abbey, in Darley Abbey - just down the road from the village where I grew up - dates back to the 15th century and is one of the last surviving buildings from an extensive monastery that once stood on the site beside the River Derwent.
A photograph posted on social media of a sign stuck outside the pub read: “Closed due to someone posting pictures of the Abbey on social media. Sam Smith has taken the alcohol and closed these premises.”
The pub had been closed for five years before re-opening in September last year to plenty of acclaim by locals, who had been campaigning for its return.
Local councillor Martin Repton told the media: “We’re all really sad and sorry for the landlords, who have now lost their home and livelihood.”
And so Humphrey strikes again.
I do wonder whether he is a potential client for my new crisis communications and reputation management consultancy, Calm Storm Advisory.
He definitely creates crisis situations.
But the challenge is that he isn’t bothered about his reputation.
I think what we have here is a great British eccentric.
Which I wouldn’t mind if his peculiar and unconventional ways didn’t lead to historic pubs having their doors locked and landlords tossed out of jobs.
So the next time you pop out for a pint, watch out, there might be a Humphrey about.
You have been warned.
WHO would have thought that writing a few positive paragraphs about a trip to a rugby match would result in a target on my back?
But chronicling a pleasant evening out watching Leeds Tykes celebrating promotion has resulted in a gypsy’s warning (I’m not sure if that phrase fits in with the woke agenda, but I couldn’t give a tinker’s cuss) that the knives are out for me at all the other rugby union clubs across Yorkshire.
It was delivered in an email that declared: “I can’t believe you are promoting Leeds Tykes.
“You are going to make yourself very, very unpopular with Wharfedale, Ionians, Otley Harrogate, Sheffield and Sheffield Tigers supporters. Big faux pas.”
Ooh dear.
And I thought football fans were touchy.
The sender of the email followed it up with a longer missive to put me fully straight on the matter.
My correspondent, who asked that I don’t reveal their identity, sent me an “alternative blog”.
To be honest I thought my blog is as alternative as anyone needs, but there you go.
The following is the response from the ‘Yorkshire rugby union community’.
“We used to like that cheeky chappy Parky. His blogs always brought a smile to our faces and he gave a thoughtful insight to the great and good of Yorkshire. He came from our generation when the Yorkshire business community had characters and entrepreneurs and we knew how to show non Yorkists a thing or two. The fact he was a Derby supporter everyone accepted as an idiosyncrasy.
“However all that has changed when we read his blog of Friday last. What a faux pas. He has managed to upset at least 99% of rugby union supporters in Yorkshire in two short paragraphs.
“Harrogate, Otley, Ionians, Tigers, Sheffield and Wharfedale supporters will all be spluttering into pints.
“Yes professional Leeds Tykes have spent the last two years playing in National League Two North with the likes of the above and may have considered themselves in the wrong league but to suggest they are the heart of Yorkshire rugby - please David we thought you were better than that and we fear you have lost touch with real Yorkshire.
“Don’t just take our word for it.
“The community clubs of National League 2 North is where real Yorkshire sits. Unlike Leeds Tykes as an example dogs are welcome at all other grounds in Yorkshire while at Leeds they are strictly prohibited.
“Maybe that is what makes Leeds Tykes professional but is it what community rugby wants and does it reflect a Yorkshire mentality?
“Don’t just take our word for it. John Inverdale, the chairman of National league rugby, said of Wharfedale “the most beautiful ground in England” where watching rugby is “sporting nirvana”.
“It could also be said of Sheffield Tigers on the moors south of Sheffield and the Apollo ground at Rudding Park and Otley will soon have a new ground by the Wharfe.
“You need to get out more David but in the meantime National League Two North is looking forward to another truly competitive season in 25/26.”
Well that has certainly put me straight.
I’d love to take my Romanian rescue dog to a rugby match but I fear he will dig holes in the pitch and cock his leg up the goal posts.
As I said, the sender of these words asked that I don’t mention their name.
But given it is one of Yorkshire’s most successful lawyers who does major deals all over the world, I’d say that the time taken to write this “alternative blog” is probably the equivalent of about several thousand quid’s worth of fees.
And I’m expecting to spend the autumn and winter either dodging large grudge-holding rugby union supporters or enjoying the largesse of rugby clubs at their picturesque grounds.
Have a great weekend.